Hey Morris, I witnessed a colleague lying straight to management. I’m really tight with this guy but I also know what he did was not right. How do I approach this without hurting my friendship with him?
-Not a Rat
Hey Not a Rat,
I feel like you summarized the entire series of ‘Suits,’ which is one of my favorite shows. In any case, what your colleague did was a bad thing; he effectively made you an accomplice to his shenanigans. If asked by management, you’d be in a position of having to lie to say you don’t know what’s going on or you’d have to rat him out. Even if not asked by management, you’d have to choose between loyalty to the company or to him. Someone that creates these situations for you isn’t someone you should be tight with.
My advice is that you need to get to a position where the truth is uncovered. Best scenario is he does it himself. Second best is you do it for him. Worst case scenario is management later finds out that you knew but did nothing. In all scenarios, it’s essential for you to right the wrong quickly so your company doesn’t make the wrong subsequent decisions or take actions based on a lie.
However, how you go about getting to the best scenario requires some thinking on your part. Specifically, why did your colleague let you witness his lie?
Typically, people who lie keep their lies a secret. So in your case, was it that he thought you didn’t know that he was lying? Or was it that he thought you’d be OK with him lying? Or was it since you’ve lied in the past, he thought you wouldn’t have a problem with his lying?
If he thought you didn’t know that he was lying, the best approach is to let him know that you caught him lying, and give him a short time period, from immediate to no more than 24 hours, to come clean. Otherwise you’ll have to tell management yourself. Further, tell him not to repeat this again in the future or you will refute him immediately. This is not a good friend to have because he thinks he can get away with lying in front of you, so you need to set firm boundaries not to be crossed.
If he thought you’d be OK with him lying, either he had a misunderstanding of your values or you’ve accepted his lies before without confronting him. Regardless, clear this up and tell him that lying isn’t acceptable (anymore) for you and then follow through on the same actions in the previous case.
If you’ve also lied in the past, then pushing him could cause him to expose you, so you have to make a call on whether you want that. Ideally, come completely clean yourself first, then ask him to do the same on his lies. Easier said than done, but think about this, not resolving the lies you’ve made, especially when others know about them, casts a shadow over you and grants someone else leverage over you. There’s no happy ending in this; you have to accept that when that ticking bomb explodes is beyond your control. Do you really want that kind of stress? Take matters into your own hand and own your mistake(s). And then do the right thing for the company and don’t lie again.
Some people fool themselves into thinking that extenuating circumstances (either for you or your colleague) make lies ok. While that may happen frequently on TV, it almost never happens in real life. The consequences of lies are numerous, pain-in-the-ass, and some lies have their own lives which you have to feed with more lies in order for the original lie to stay uncovered. Lies erode trust, and even if you right the lies, it may take you a long time to regain that trust. And without trust in you, your career prospects are bleak.
A promising talent should be focused on meeting or surpassing business objectives, not getting tangled up in preserving lies. And definitely not a colleague’s lies.
Is there something else on your mind? Please send it to questions@heymorris.com and I’ll do my best to be helpful in a future post.
Hey Morris 